An Open Letter To Orthodox Clergy

Father bless

If you are an Orthodox priest reading this (and I really hope some Orthodox priests are reading this), I have 2 things I desperately want to tell you.

My stepcat Bell paid a rare visit to my desk the other day.

1 - thank you for serving. I appreciate you, your parish appreciates you - it's incredible, really. Thank you for answering God's call on your life.

2 - someone (probably a man) has said or done something creepy to someone (probably a woman) in your parish. Maybe not today, maybe not yesterday or last week - but at some point in time, this has happened in your parish. Yes, yours. And the (probably) woman who has been creeped out has not wanted to tell you about it.

Ladies - bear or man? And why is it the bear?

It's not your fault! Genuinely - it's hard to talk about this stuff - ESPECIALLY when it's something creepy and awkward but not outright criminal or dangerous. It's really hard to go to a man in authority and say something like, "hey, that guy I don't know well keeps trying to hug me at coffee hour every week," or "that guy asked me if I was planning to have kids someday COMPLETELY OUT OF NOWHERE and now I feel weird" or "all the young men keep talking about how hard it is to find a "traditional" Orthodox woman and it seems kinda gross and is actually scaring off all the new women who visit". ABSOLUTELY EVERY WOMEN YOU KNOW would rather stab herself in the eye with a rusty fork than bring this up to you.

So I, a mouthy broad on the internet - will tell you.

There are people (mostly dudes) being weird to other people (mostly women) in your parish, and while it isn't your fault - it is your responsibility now.

Congratulations.

"Why is this my responsibility?" you might be asking.

Good question.

It's your responsibility because you need to ensure that your parish is a safe space for EVERYONE, and when men are being weird - women do not feel safe. They don't know if they're safe. The truth is - and, this is going to sound dramatic but bear with me - the reality of women's lives is such that, if an awkward man tries to hug us and we hold up a hand and say, "oh, no thank you" - we don't know how that man is going to react. We don't know if he's going to be understanding and say, "Oh, of course, I'm sorry!" and hold out his hand for a handshake like a normal person; or if he is going to file this away into his record of WAYS WOMEN HAVE WRONGED HIM(TM), and our names are going to show up in a manifesto someday.

YES - that is intense - but women have been killed for much less than refusing a hug, by men that other men usually consider harmless, if awkward.

It's your responsibility because if a woman visiting your parish is met by a guy who IMMEDIATELY asks for her number and then follows her around coffee hour when she's trying to meet other people - she will almost certainly never visit YOUR parish again, and the women who ARE members of your parish will likely see this as another example of the men of the parish being allowed to dictate the terms and culture of inclusion in your parish.

It's your responsibility because it is bad for the souls of those men to just... wander through parish life, probably NOT KNOWING and NOT INTENDING to put anyone off, but doing so none-the-less. It's BAD for them to feel entitled to women's time, attention, and affection.

"But Kathryn," you might be saying. "I'm busy. What do you want me to do about this? Am I supposed to keep track of all of the social interactions in my parish?"

No! Of course not!

But don't worry, I have some suggestions for you... because this is actually incredibly simple to deal with all around (Now, this would be a perfect time to talk about how deaconesses would be a GREAT boon to parish life because they give women in your parish a female in authority to speak to, but we're not going to go there today. We're going to stick to actionable steps that you can take this week to make your parish a safer place for women, and a healthier place for men). And if you're wondering about my qualifications - let me tell you a few things about myself that you might not know:

• Before I became Orthodox, I was a volunteer coordinator at my church. I assisted the clergy in instituting a Safe Sanctuaries¹ program, requiring training and background checks for all volunteers.

• I have an MDiv - meaning I too, have taken A LOT of ministry classes and thought through a lot of these logistics.

• I have a Master's Degree in Christian Education - stuff like this was ALSO a big part of THAT program.

• I was a public school teacher. Safety and reporting was the name of the game.

• I am a woman who has also had men of all ages say weird, creepy and inappropriate things to me -walking down the street; in coffee shops; at gas stations, grocery stores and yes - church. Sometimes I told a man or a person in authority - most of the time I didn't.²

Comedy gold

#1 - Find one or two women (maybe more!), depending on the size of your parish, who can be a point of contact for women if a man is making them uncomfortable IN ANY WAY. This needs to be women that you trust - ideally it's women on your parish council or with some other visible leadership position in your parish (if there are no women in a visible leadership position in your parish - we need to talk). This woman's responsibility isn't to talk to the men; it's not to tell the women who come to her that they need to get over it, or to make excuses. Her responsibility is to listen to the women of the parish. Because you have asked a woman that you trust, she will then decide if she needs to come to you with concerns about any men. The women stay confidential - YES EVEN TO YOU - unless they wish to speak to you themselves.

#2 - When your designated female reporter has come to you with a man who is a repeat offender, or maybe has done something worth your input, YOU will speak to the man. You don't know who brought him up - but you will, privately and with great discretion, speak to him about the behavior in question. Most of the time, he probably doesn't realize he's made anyone uncomfortable (I genuinely believe most people don’t WANT to make other people uncomfortable), and you can help him direct his energy and attention to better pursuits.

#3 - Start teaching, frequently, loudly, and from the ambo - as well as in men’s studies, Sunday Schools, youth group, coffee hour, and anywhere else you can eyeballs on you and ears alert - that church is for WORSHIP. NOT DATING. Remind young men not to ask out female visitors; encourage all of the women in your parish to reach out to female visitors and all of the men to reach out to male visitors; start asking women to teach, speak and lead when possible so that visitors and members alike are reminded that women are equal members of the body of Christ - and they are not here as the potential spouses and helpmeets of young men.

#4 - That teaching we just talked about? This needs to start early - in catechism. When you're talking about the Orthodox view of family, make sure you are saying - early and often - that men and women are equal participants in worship. Assume that some of these people are probably missing some basic social skills, and remind them that there are questions they shouldn't ask³, and opinions they shouldn't share. The priest who catechized me would often remind us, "don't be weird". That is INVALUABLE. TELL MEN "don't be weird" - and when you see them being weird SAY - "That's weird. Don't be weird." Make that your new mantra for catechumens. DON’T. BE. WEIRD.

#5 - When possible, vocally encourage your parishioners to lead rich, full lives, with lots of acquaintances and friends - OUTSIDE OF CHURCH. Encourage hobbies, volunteering with community and even non-religious organizations. There's a real trend of people - particularly young men - finding their entire identity in the Church - and while it's tempting to see this as a positive development, it's actually not a good sign when a person is spending hours and hours in one place or on one thing, to the detriment of other parts of their lives. Fr. Thomas Hopko’s Maxims #21 - Have a healthy, wholesome hobby - wise and underrated advice.

#6 - While you have women doing some of that public-facing teaching and leading - start assigning some of the tedious chores that keep a church running to men. Make sure the same two women aren't cleaning up after coffee hour every week. Have some men washing dishes, making food, cleaning floors, taking out trash, watching children, wedding flower beds. All God's people should be seen doing allllll kinds of work, all over the church.

So… there you go. This isn’t everything! These things won’t magically fix gender relations in the Orthodox Church - but these six things will make a quick and substantive difference in how safe women feel in your parish.

You have a hard job! I’m genuinely trying to help both you AND your female parishioners.

Life is hard. Making our parishes a little safer place to be - shouldn’t be.

What did I miss? Women - what do YOU wish a mouthy stranger would tell your priest? Clergy - what do YOU think you need to make your parish a healthy and safe place for everyone?

1. This was like 15 years ago, so I’m not sure if Safe Sanctuaries is still a thing, but back then it was a program that you did to verify that you were protecting children in your parish from unsafe people. There was training, background checks, a whole process.

2. I almost did a “non-exhaustive list of weird stuff men have said to me” but opted not to. A teaser - one time a guy followed me down the street before running up ahead of me, telling me I was pretty, ASKING FOR A HUG and then running away. YES I HUGGED HIM I WANTED HIM TO LEAVE ME ALONE AND THAT SEEMED THE FASTEST WAY TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN. NO I didn’t say anything to anyone about it - I was by myself in a city I don’t live in, and I knew that people would give me a hard time about hugging him.

3. More than once in my teaching days, a student would ask me why I didn’t have kids. My answer was always the same - “that is not an appropriate question to ask an adult.”